My collection of quotes Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law. Ashleigh's First Law: If you can't learn to do it well, you should learn to enjoy doing it badly. Arnold's First Law of Documentation: If it should exist, it doesn't. Arnold's Second Law of Documentation: If it does exist, it's out of date. Arnold's Third Law of Documentation: Only useless documentation transcends the first two laws. The Three Laws of Robotics are: 1. A robot may not injure a human being, or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm. 2. A robot must obey the orders given it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law. 3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law. Selected Examples of Robin Lefler's Laws: Law #17: "When all else fails, do it yourself." Law #32: "If life hands you lemonade, don't try to make lemons out of it." Law #36: "You gotta go with what works." Law #46: "Life isn't always fair." Law #52: "Never underestimate a man's ability to make you laugh." Law #83: "Whenever you've eliminated the impossible, whatever remains,however improbale, must be the truth." Law #91: "Always watch your back" Law #103: "A couple of light years can't keep good friends apart." Law #108: "It's not over until it's over, and sometimes not even then." Law #125: "Getting information out of Zak Kebron is like interrogating a statue." Creativity Physics: You must have Fun. Without Fun, there's no enthusiasm. Without enthusiasm, there's no energy. Without energy, there are only shades of gray. Time you enjoyed wasting is not wasted time. Start with your head-stone and work backwards what will they say about you when you are gone? Imagine the possibilities I like my milk freshly squeezed Rush: You wont get wise, with the sleep still in your eyes, no matter what your dreams might be I may not have style, but I make it up in denial. I type so fast, I have a FireWire keyboard There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and so on. Not many people know this ... but I happen to be famous. Life is too important to take seriously. Now let me explain why this makes intuitive sense. I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. I would never join a club that would have me as a member. Why do we drive on the Parkway and Park in the driveway? An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind. - Buddha With great risks, come great rewards The best way to predict the future is to invent it. * Alan Kay Quips from the mind of Steven Wright.... my problem is that I was reincarnated without having been born the first time one of my grandfathers died when he was a little boy next week I'm going to have an MRI to find out if I have clausterphobia how different would my life have been had I been born yesterday? It wouldn't have been different other than I would have asked that question yesterday. I think its wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly I call up the airlines to make a reservation and they as "how many will be travelling?" and I said "how the hell do I know, it's your plane" I've been e-mailing my answering machine which has been sending faxes to my cellular sub conscience which has call waiting in case I'm thinking about something else so I can get back to myself later Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol I intend to live forever - so far, so good I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they. 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... Coincidence? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. OK, so what's the speed of dark? Black holes are where God divided by zero. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. You and I live on a minor planet attached to a minor star, at the far edge of a minor galaxy, the only morality that makes sense is to do something useful with the brief time we're allotted - James Mitchner "Space" The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others. The rest of your life starts now All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. Mark Twain Success follows doing what you want to do. There is no other way to be successful. Malcolm Forbes Failure + Failure + Failure + Failure + Failure + Failure + Failure + Failure + Failure + Failure + Success = Success Every really new idea looks crazy at first. The important thing is never to stop questioning. When all think alike, no one is thinking very much. The person who has no opinion will seldom be wrong. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right. The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him. Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. Never express yourself more clearly than you are able to think. There is nothing worse than a sharp image of a fuzzy concept. Of those who say nothing, few are silent. Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. Getting ideas is like shaving: if you don't do it every day, you're a bum. Tomorrow is often the busiest time of the year. The most important thing about having goals is having one. If at first you don't succeed, you're running about average. If everything's under control, you're going too slow. You cannot get ahead while you are getting even. If you think you can, you can. And if you think you can't, you're right. Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. Life is 10% what you make it, and 90% how you take it. Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. On the edge of destiny, you must test your strength. "Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.” — T.S. Elliot If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. You can't try to do things; you simply must do them. Act as if it were impossible to fail. You will never find time for anything. If you want time you must make it. It is better to be defeated on principle than to win on lies. It takes 20 years to make an overnight success. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. When you have nothing to say, say nothing. I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. Obstacles are things a person sees when he takes his eyes off his goal. The man who rolls up his sleeves seldom loses his shirt. One never notices what has been done. one can only see what remains to be done Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today. Genius is nothing but a great aptitude for patience. It is not necessary to change. Survival is not mandatory. Knowledge is power and enthusiasm pulls the switch. Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another. We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak. In youth we learn; in age we understand. Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one. Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. No one ever achieved greatness by playing it safe. You miss 100 percent of the shots you never take. Life is too important to be taken seriously. A supercomputer is a machine, that runs an endless loop in just 2 seconds An idea is salvation by imagination. We adore chaos because we love to produce order. The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time. What garlic is to food, insanity is to art Sometimes it's a little better to travel than to arrive One good turn gets most of the blankets. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. All generalizations are false According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. My Reality Check bounced. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less. The more you know the more you realize the less you know. If think you know it all, you know nothing. When you realize that you know nothing, then you know it all. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2 I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it. I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. I'm not afraid of heights-afraid of widths. A day without sunshine is like night. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue... Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted. ERROR: Keyboard Not Found! Press ENTER to continue On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. Things should be as simple as possible, but not simpler. If God dropped acid, would he see people? The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open. We think in generalities, but we live in details. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right. The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do. Never express yourself more clearly than you are able to think. This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read. Winston Churchill (1874-1965) I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work. Thomas Edison (1847-1931) The nice thing about standards is, there are so many to choose from. Work expands to fill the time available for its completion. C. Northcote Parkinson Half the work that is done in this world is to make things appear what they are not. Elias Root Beadle Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known. A man's dreams are an index to his greatness I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free." -- Michelangelo The work of the individual still remains the spark that moves mankind forward When you see a good move wait - look for a better one. One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you. If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing The future belongs to those who dare." There is nothing permanent except change All your base are belong to us. I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. Bill Cosby I will finish what I sta Do not abbrev. I want to be different, just like everybody else The richest man is the guy who has nothing All we are, basically, are monkeys with car keys we are somewhere between the end of the line and the middle of nowhere Everyone should have two fortunes. The first one to spend foolishly and the second one for security. Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk? Give me ambiguity or give me something else. I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got! We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand. Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake! The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER Did anyone see my lost carrier? Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing! He who laughs last thinks slowest! Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. "More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!" A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue. There's too much blood in my caffeine system. Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity. I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac. Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control! Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. I won't rise to the occaasion, but I'll slide over to it. Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I. Double your drive space - delete Windows! What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free? "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes." Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector. I used to have a handle on life, then it broke. Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. When there's a will, I want to be in it. Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check? We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART? All generalizations are false, including this one. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit. "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy. Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking? My computer isn't that nervous...it's just a bit ANSI. Honey, I Formatted the Kid! Spelling checkers at maximum! Fire! Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk? Hex dump: Where witches put used curses... Never violate the Prime Directory! C:\ Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once... Maniac: An early computer built by nuts... Stack Error: Lost on a cluttered desk... Stack Overflow: Too many pancakes... Capt'n! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse! C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files. ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS. How do I set my laser printer on stun? "Today's subliminal thought is:" 'Calm down -- it's only ones and zeros.' '.... now touch these wires to your tongue!' Computer analyst to programmer: "You start coding. I'll go find out what they want." According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist. It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit! RAM DISK is not an installation procedure! Computers are only human. Famous last words: I just found the last bug. This time it will surely run. The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. -Robert R. Coveyou Oak Ridge National Laboratory It's redundant! It's redundant! -R. E. Dundant Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature. -T. John Wendel The programmer's nat'l anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH' - Weinberg, p. 152 If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. -Dykstra "#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb)) - Shakespeare." "Real programmers use: COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE" Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence... To iterate is human; to recurse, divine. If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0 Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed... Microwave: Signal from a friendly micro... Nostalgia: The good old days multiplied by a bad memory... God is REAL, unless explicitly declared INTEGER. Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim. AAAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous CCITT - Can't Conceive Intelligent Thoughts Today This message transmitted on 100% recycled electrons. Todays assembler command : EXOP Execute Operator Justify my text? I'm sorry but it has no excuse. Programming is an art form that fights back. Backups? We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER My mail reader can beat up your mail reader. To define recursion, we must first define recursion. Good programming is 99% sweat and 1% coffee. I'm a cunning linguist and a master debater The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man. You're going to have to use your brain which is going to hurt because it's the weakest muscle in your body. When you have the choice between being right and being kind just choose kind. I wish you enough I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright. I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more. I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive. I wish you enough pain, so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger. I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting. I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess. I wish enough "Hello's" to get you through the final "Good-bye." "Opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss" "What you are is God's gift to you. What you become is your gift to God." "Improvisation is the touchstone of wit" "Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?" "Why do we close our eyes to dream, imagine, or kiss? Because the best things in life are unseen." "For all the words of tongue or pen, none are as sad as what might have been." "If you live to be one hundred, I want to live to be one hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you." ~Winnie the Pooh "...Don't give up fighting til nothing else stands in your way. Don't give up talking until there's nothing left to say. But no matter what you do, don't ever compromise what you believe..." ~The Ataris, "Losing Streak" Our business in life is not to get ahead of others, but to get ahead of ourselves to break our own records, to outstrip our yesterday by our today. Stewart B. Johnson Later is sooner than you think. If you want to have a rainbow, then sometimes you're gonna have to deal with the rain. Woody Allen Quotes: Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you., quoted in "New York Tribune", 1975 It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better ... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more., "Side Effects" 1981 I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down. I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. I am at two with nature. Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things. Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered. Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best. To *you* I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up and does not stop until you get into the office. Robert Frost I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I won't believe that I deserved my friends. - Walt Whitman Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia- Fear of long words After all is said and done, usually more is said than done Just because it's common sense, doesn't make it right If it's just us, it seems like an awful waste of space We must walk consciously only part way toward our goal, and then leap in the dark to our success. Henry David Thoreau We do not stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing. Oliver Wendell Holmes Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm. Sir Winston Churchill Growing old is inevitable. Growing up is optional. Everybody dies. What we do with our lives before that time is what counts. 10,000 sperm and *you* were the fastest? To get the most out of life, start with your uelogy and work backwards. As I've said before, I don't repeat myself. Any fool can have children and often do. Woody Allen The two constants in the universe are Entropy and Chaos. If you believe you can or if you if you believe you can’t, you’re right. you can divide our industry into two kinds of people: those who want to go work for a company to make it successful, and those who want to go work for a successful company. Crumb: How perfectly goddamned delightful it all is, to be sure. Dicky Fox, from the movie Jerry Maguire: Hey, I don't have all the answers. In business as in life, I've failed as much as I've succeeded. But I love my wife, I love my life, and I wish you my type of success. I LOVE getting up in the morning! I clap my hands and say THIS IS GONNA BE A GREAT DAY! If the heart is empty, what's in the head doesn't matter Roll with the punches; tomorrow is another day. Forest Gump: I don’t know if we each have a destiny, or if we’re all just floating around accidental like on a breeze, but I think maybe it’s both. Maybe both are happening at the same time. You should live your life like you're going to die tomorrow and you should live your life like you're going to live forever Reasons to Keep an Open Mind to New Ideas "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949 "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." --Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943 "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957 "But what ... is it good for?" --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip. "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977 "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." --Western Union internal memo, 1876. "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" --David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s. "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." --A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.) "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind." "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." --Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies. "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." --Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962. "Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." --Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895. "You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training." --Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus. "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." --Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859. "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." --Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929. "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." --Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre. "Everything that can be invented has been invented." --Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981 *********************************************************************** Deep Thoughts (by Jack Handy) If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason." To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks." One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late. The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots." Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk. I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did." If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic. Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other. I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas. If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat). Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers? Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway. I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him. Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind. If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact. It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money. If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad. As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way. I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching. Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books. What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep. Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window. During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner." If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now. When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns. I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint. Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy. Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door. If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine. If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture. Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me? If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you. One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake. If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not. Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that." Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff. For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness? I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary. If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!" Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head." Normally you would think that "fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that. Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared. I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money." I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back. I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties. If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen." The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole is reserved for skeletons." *********************************************************************** Quotes I've made up Just because a quote sounds good, doesn't make it true. Here's some dynamite to play with - yes, you'll move mountains, but you might also blow yourself up Experience alone is valuable even if it is not profitable. It is often disadvantageous to pursue a creative endeavor by committee. Controlling your own destiny is nice but sometimes letting fate take control can lead to good things. When I'm 80 I want to look 60 and feel 40 Money cannot guaruntee happiness but just about. Snail-mail is so yesterday. It cannot be taught, it has to be learned. The word Evil is Evil and shouldn't be used I don't make the rules, I just break them. It's expensive being poor. There's no such thing as "too much time on your hands" When I’m fully rested I can usually get twice as much done in half the time. Working more often leads to getting less done. Less is more sometimes. Quotes from friends: She looked good from a far but she was far from a good You cannot GET blood from a stone so you might as well GET stoned. In reality I'm out of touch with reality. Pats Rules Rule 1: Work to live Rule 2: Do not live to work Rule 3: If you love your job, ignore Rule 2 Personalities are like blood types. Some mix and some don't.